My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
