Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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