he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
