I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
