how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
