i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
