I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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