he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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