Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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