How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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