Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
