she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
