found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
