Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
