i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
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Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have post one night stand depression
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