Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
