I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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