if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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