Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
