Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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