so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
