Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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