Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This baby is an asshole
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
