a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
