im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
