I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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