"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
