Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
