mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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