Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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