In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
