Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
