I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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