All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
