dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
