38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
