I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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