She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
