I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
