Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
