I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
