So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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