Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
