if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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