you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
