she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
