i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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