i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
