I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
