Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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