I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
