As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
