I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
