Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
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