I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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