life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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