he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
