i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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