I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
