omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
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just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
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Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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